With apologies to Black Randy for the headline above, it is my solemn duty to report that Rolling Stone’s forthcoming Aaron Hernandez profile, “The Gangster In The Huddle” promises to contain revelations including but not limited to ;

• Hernandez was a heavy user of angel dust, and had become so paranoid over the last year that he carried a gun wherever he went.

• He surrounded himself with a cohort of gangsters, and cut himself off from his family and teammates.

• Hernandez had so infuriated his head coach, Bill Belichick, with missed practices and thug-life stunts, that he was one misstep from being cut.

• In college his coach (then-University of Florida head coach Urban Meyer) may have helped cover up failed drug tests, along with two violent incidents — an assault and a drive-by shootout outside a local bar.

While I find nothing humorous about the charges facing Hernandez, I would personally like to offer $25 to any reporter willing to use the phrase, “thug-life stunts” when questioning Belichick at a future press conference.