While Nomar Garciaparra compares the treatment suddenly afforded to Tito Francona on his way out the door to the brickbats aimed at such all-time Boston greats as Carl Yazstremski, Ted Williams and…uh, Carl Everett Nomar Gariaparra, departing GM Theo Epstein receives a number of helpful suggestions from the Daily Herald’s Barry Rozner on how to best assume the same position with the Cubs. If you read the entire piece (highlights below), perhaps the only person Rozner has less regard for besides (current) Chicago manager Mike Quade would have to be club president Crane Kenney (Herald link swiped from Repoz and Baseball Think Factory).

• Fire Mike Quade.
• Pay the $2 million buyout and misplace the number for Aramis Ramirez’s agent, Paul Kinzer. Don’t locate that scrap of paper until Ramirez is overpaid somewhere else.
• Call Quade again and make sure he understands he’s fired.
• Get something of value for Carlos Zambrano, like a new Gatorade dispenser for the dugout.
• Trade Ryan Dempster and his $14 million player option for 2012. Dempster doesn’t have no-trade protection but never needed it when Jim Hendry was GM.
• Tell Carlos Pena he’s welcome back if he wants to play third base. When he informs you that left-handers don’t generally play third, ask him if he wants to catch. When he informs you lefties also don’t catch, tell him that the Cubs don’t need players with a bad attitude and wish him luck at his next stop.
• Try to recoup some of the $54 million remaining on Alfonso Soriano’s contract. Since he has full no-trade protection, getting someone to pay more than $167 would immediately qualify you for the Hall of Fame.
• Fire a pitching coach who doesn’t challenge a manager who allows Matt Garza to average 123 pitches in the final 3 starts of the season when the team is 62 games out of first place.
• Trade Marlon Byrd and his $6.5 million salary for 2012 before the other teams find out he’s actually 42 years old.