(the econo-version of the WC 2010 Draw, with substantially less Charlize Theron)

A US v England clash on June 12 seems to be the biggest obstacle to advancement for either side given the presence of Algeria and Slovenia in what some are calling “The Group Of Life” after today’s World Cup draw in Cape Town, South Africa. Remarkably, the Guardian’s Rob Bagchi managed to detail this morning’s entertainment spectacular with a column that appeared hours before the draw actually took place.

Before we get underway we have to endure a procession of the great and the good, watch cutaway shots of the permanently radiant Archbishop Desmond Tutu, listen to Angélique Kidjo and Johnny Clegg and yearn for the years when Graham Kelly and Bert Millichip would rattle their unmentionables in a purple velvet ball-bag.

Then, and only then, David Beckham will step out to seal his England squad place, Nelson Mandela will address the guests by video link, presumably remembering that the last time he was in the vicinity of Mrs Beckham he was goosed by the happy hands of her red-headed chum. Finally Blatter will beam, possibly recalling with a faraway look in his eye, that Theron once said “I think of myself as a highly $exual creature” and Valcke will invite the actress to caress several balls in big pots and give them a good [Enough already with the ball-gags (no, not those kind) “ Fiver Ed.].

The opening of each Fifa Kinder egg will be greeted with a reverent hush and a theatrical flourish as teams and are allocated into their to groups. This is the moment when the cameramen show they’ve done their prep and pan in on the delegation from the named country, who will grin. Valcke will then move on to the next pot with all the vim of Droopy while on Sky Terry Venables and his iron-filings goatee, David Seaman and Woy Hodgson wince and tell us there are no easy games in the World Cup. Even though South Africa and New Zealand are playing in it, so there are.