“To convert college sports into professional sports would be tantamount to converting it into minor league sports,” claimed NCAA President Mark Emmeret earlier this week while testifying in former UCLA hoops star Ed O’Bannon’s antitrust suit against his organization. “We know that in the U.S. minor league sports aren’t very successful either for fan support or for the fan experience,” claimed Emmeret, though the independent league St. Paul Saints — the same folks who brought you the Senator Larry Craig bobblefoot — had their own pithy response in press release fashion :

ST. PAUL, MN (June 20, 2014) – Since 1993 the St. Paul Saints have provided fans with no memories, tons of depressing times and promotions that have fallen flat. As a matter of fact, no one outside of the Midway area has ever heard of the ballclub. The Saints, will continue their sad existence as they attempt to give fans “the worst experience” in the franchise’s history in hopes of gaining no support from their fans.

On Monday, August 18 the Saints will open their gates, but instead of charging their regular prices of $14 for infield reserved tickets, $9 for outfield reserved and $6 for general admission prices will be $70 for infield reserved, $45 for outfield reserved and $30 for general admission. For those die-hard Saints fans that have been around since the very first season they will receive a scholarship to enter the game for free. However, the scholarships will be taken away from certain fans if they aren’t cheering loud enough after each inning. Fans will also be given the NCAA rule book and must follow each and every regulation or they will not be allowed in.

The Saints are well known for their ushertainers, actors and actresses in character that interacts with fans throughout the game. The Nerd, Karaoke With A Real Japanese Guy, The Chef and the entire ushertainer team will be asked to stay home.

The Saints food and beverage department will serve a limited amount of meals and fans can only consume a restricted amount. Fans can consume bagels with butter, but are not allowed to add cream cheese, pasta will cost $3.83 and crab legs will be on hand.

Finally the Saints reserve the right to use all their fans name and likeness on the video board, in marketing materials and for commercial use, but no fan will be compensated.

For more information please contact the Saints automated answering machine at 651-644-6659.