(this is what Clint Dempsey looks like when he’s having an epiphany)

DATELINE  MANAUS BRAZIL :

Despite being just one draw away from advancing in the 2014 World Cup, the entire US Men’s National Team has announced they’re quitting the tournament.

“Giving up the last second goal to Portugal was disappointing, sure,” explained captain Clint Dempsey, “but when we learned that Doug Hart didn’t give a shit about America or soccer, that’s when we looked at each other and realized this is a complete waste of time.”

“Right now, we could be getting high, beating off or working on harsh noise tapes,” Dempsey complained to a roomful of stunned international sports media. . “Instead, we’re explaining ourselves to a bunch of assholes who wouldn’t know a 4-4-2 from a Front 242. Who sucked, by the way.”