While a responsible  blogger would focus on timely issues like John Terry’s threat to leave Stamford Bridge, the latest injury news surrounding Thierry Henry, “Born” Tolouse’s 1-0 win over Monaco this morning, or the prospect of dropping $19.95 for the privilege of watching ‘Boro get crushed by Manchester United in the FA Cup later this hour….instead, we’ll the consider the plight of gentlemen watching Friday’s draw for the Champions League quarterfinals. From the Fiver’s Scott Murray and Paul Doyle.

Who better to be picked as the face of this season’s gala quarter-final draw than Matthew Lorenzo (above), the man who presided over the nadir of All Broadcasting at USA 94 and has since spent his days on Sky Sports News looking even more rudderless and clinically depressed than the channel’s viewers?

As Lorenzo took the Athens stage as Uefa’s MC for the day, it quickly transpired he had lost nothing of the monotone broadcasting genius honed during those sultry days in the hermetically sealed ITV World Cup concrete bunker. As Barcelona’s Ludovic Giuly turned up to hand the trophy back, Lorenzo conducted an embarrassing staccato interview with the French midfielder in stilted, broken English – Giuly’s wasn’t much better – and the Fiver fell immediately into a light coma, only to wake up an hour later gently fitting.

Fitting with impotent rage, that is, that none of the English sides had drawn each other, lessening the chance of them all getting knocked out before the final and letting the Fiver enjoy a lovely continental Big Cup final free of tedious jingoism. Happily, after 14 medicinal cans of Weird Uncle Fiver’s homebrew turpentine, the fitting eventually slowed down just enough for the Fiver to focus on the big screen in front of which Lorenzo had earlier done his star turn (but thankfully since naffed off for the Official Uefa Champagne Lunch). And it read:

Chelsea/Valencia v PSV/Liverpool
Roma/MU Rowdies v Milan/Bayern

Later on, there were interviews with assorted Liverpool, Rowdies and Chelsea suits. But they all started playing the tedious taking-one-difficult-game-at-a-time card, so, y’know, WHO CARES?