An interview with Deadspin’s Will Leitch is amongst the highlights in the new issue of Penthouse. Tuffy of Refrigerator Logic was pretty eager to grab a copy at his local Borders (“after all, we™re all so proud our little moptop kid from Illinois is about to splash all over the nation”), but alas, “I realized I was making the first pornographic periodical purchase of my life at age 32.”

I hadn™t realized just how much porn costs now. When the price rang up, I was shocked. Eight dollars for the pleasure of seeing someone™s Photoshop skills make an attractive young woman completely unattainable? Really? What a ripoff! Why, if I weren™t such an unrelenting pervert, I™d march right out of here without it!

As I set down my bills to prevent the shame of having him try to avoid touching my hands, I realized I was paying cash for a dirty magazine as if I was trying to hide something. (Which I was.) Clearly, I don™t want my wife or girlfriend to find it on my credit card and so I™m paying cash at the local Borders for my cheap thrills.

Conversely, Pulp from The Gil Meche Experience has difficulty relating to “a 32-year-old man buying pornography and almost having a nervous breakdown while doing it.”

Am I missing some kind of a joke here? Last time I checked, pornography is not only legal, but it’s fucking advertised on television if you watch late enough at night. Yet this full grown adult almost has a stroke because he thinks soccer moms and teenage girls are going to see the magazine he carries out of a store with him.

Maybe it’s just my big city seen-it-all-cynicism. Maybe it’s because every time I walk to my friend Mike’s apartment I pass the same “DVD store” with the same ad for Kim Kardashian Superstar and some other porno poster. Maybe small town Illinois is as backwards as the liberal media has made it out to be. I just can’t understand how buying a porno rag is epic or funny when you’re almost double the legal age to own it. This isn’t heroin or human trafficking you’re involving yourself in, and in the age of internet pornography, it’s also a very tame magazine that’s being purchased.

Indeed, let’s hear it for Urban America, where the cultural climate (if not peer pressure) has prepubescents starring in renting snuff films. And however harrowing the experience might’ve been for Tuffy, at least he didn’t wait ’til senior citizenship before handing over his hard earned $8 to the man responsible for “Caligula”.