So it’s come to my attention that some local nü-media dork thinks I’m “too traditional”. SAY WHAT? Would a too-traditional person put a bounty on the head of Jeff Lynne? Millennial SUCKERS are besides themselves with glee over a non-event like Lynne & assorted hacktivists playing ELO songs. Not me.

If I’m so goddamn traditional, how come I singlehandedly popularized sandwiches with meat on the outside, bread in the middle? Is “traditional” any sort of tag to put on a guy who spends HOURS a week teaching his deodorant-phobic next door neighbors a wide array of fakir skills (before I showed up they were glued to the Xbox and playing those stupid football daily fantasy games)? How many traditional people do you know who follow the religious teachings of a leader who only allows you to go to the toilet 3 times a year? How many “traditional” people do you know who donate a quarter of their annual salary to the foreskin reattachment movement? How many trad types do you know who hired the 4-Skins to play their wedding reception?

No need to answer any of the above. I’m not gonna be judged by some self-styled internet pundit who isn’t fit to pack my fucking lunch (because he probably puts two slices of bread atop and below the meat — WHO’S TRADITIONAL NOW, ASSHOLE?)