So let’s pretend you’re Reds SS Barry Larkin. After 19 years in the big leagues you’re hanginig up the spikes and what do you get for your troubles? A Skyline Chilli gift certificate? Tom Sizemore’s wig from “Hustle”? A printout of Bob Huggins’ EKG? The complete Ass Ponys back catalog? Schotzie 02, stuffed and mounted?

No such luck. Larkin has instead joined the Washington Nationals as a special assistant. That means working for an ownerless franchise and toiling underneath Jim Bowden. Fuck. I’ve heard of people crawling through broken glass in entry level jobs, but this is crazy.