(EDITOR’S NOTE : Though I’d never seriously suggest there’s a correlation between stat crunching and problems in the sac(k), at one time in this blog’s history — January 28, 2006, to be exact — I made a bold attempt to combine TWO GREAT INTERNET FIXTURES that should never, ever go together).
Some shitty tabloids offer advice to the lovelorn and/or unattractive. And some major sports portals offer fantasy sports tips for persons Colin Cowherd charitably calls “nerds”.
Here at Can’t Stop The Bleeding, I’ve often considered both features to be an utter waste of time. However, if some enterprising person were to say, mix up the mailbag a bit, you might have a terrific new column.
And with that, I’ve taken the liberty of combining some random letters to (and responses from) ESPN’s Fantasy Games expert Scott Engel and The Mirror’s resident Sex & Health guru Dr. Miriam.
Q: I’m 17 and sex for the first time with my girlfriend was painful as my foreskin has always been quite tight. When I’m erect, it doesn’t pass over the tip of my penis. Will this problem go away?
A: As I have said many times, drafting Antonio Gates gives you a clear advantage over your opposition on a regular basis. But he still doesn’t quite match up to the elite WRs in terms of overall yardage. Plus, RBs will be flying off the board in the first two rounds, and you must grab the best one available with one of your first two picks. Drafting at the end of round one can still give you a shot at a very good RB (Rudi Johnson or Steven Jackson might still be available).
Q: I’m in a 12-team league where we are only allowed to retain one keeper. My options are Larry Fitzgerald (I sacrifice a sixth-round pick in 2006) and Steven Jackson (10th-round pick). The other owners will be keeping some good RBs as well, (Larry Johnson, Tiki Barber, Willis McGahee, Thomas Jones, Willie Parker and Warrick Dunn to name a few). With these factors in mind, who would you keep and why?
A: A domineering, self-centred and uncaring person who is smugly convinced of his own importance is a turn-off.
Power struggles and jealousy can create anger and resentment and these dangerous emotions get acted out in sex. You feel bullied and controlled out of bed so your sexual response levels have plummeted. You can’t give your all to someone arrogant about receiving it.
Q: I’M a 54-year-old man whose libido seems to have died.
I’ve had a couple of girlfriends over the past few years and really enjoyed sex with them. One was a lot younger and a bit too demanding. She wanted sex at night and in the morning and I just couldn’t cope. But things aren’t going too well with my new girlfriend either.
The worst thing – apart from the loss of confidence – is the thought I may never be able to form another relationship again.
I don’t expect to be a three-times-a-night 20 year old again, but it would be nice to be able to perform when needed.
A:I would never use a keeper pick on a defense/special teams, as you can always grab a quality unit in your next draft, and top skill position players are much more important. Plus, defenses often vary in performance more often than skill players on a year-to-year basis, so even the best defense comes with some amount of risk. You’re talking about an 11-player unit that could undergo changes, deal with injuries or simply suffer if the offense plays worse next year and puts them on the field too often.
Q: If the Colts don’t re-sign Edgerrin James, what would be the value of Dominic Rhodes? Can he be a top running back behind the same line in the same system if the Colts use him as their featured back?
A: It’s one thing to fantasise about being spanked hard, but a good dose of the cane could cause him an injury and he’s being unfair placing you under this kind of pressure.
For starters, forget the cane. If you’re new at this, stay with your bare hand. Not only are you far less likely to do any real damage this way, you’ll find it far easier to develop a feel for what you’re doing.