Los Angeles Dodgers' Juan Pierre steals second base as Chicago ...

(Ryan Theriot makes a perfect tag, minus the location of the ball)

Even with a 10-5 win over the Braves at Wrigley last night, Tom Glavine knocked out of the box in three, and Piniella getting rid of that mullett-in-training haircut of his “ I choose to focus on the negative when I ask what is Ryan Theriot’s deal? Will I one day read about a glue sniffing issue, an affair with Miley Cyrus, or is appearing in Mark DeRosa’s blog the same jinx as getting a Sports Illustrated cover? I eye-witnessed him blowing a perfect tag of Juan Pierre at second in last Saturday’s Dodger-Cubs disaster (see photo), a key moment in that loss. Last night on ‘GN he turned a throw to first in the middle of an inning-ending double play into a Braves double. I assume he was benched on Sunday or Zambrano threw a Gatorade cooler at him in the clubhouse. It’s more irritating to watch than Bob Howry’s predictable run give-a-ways in middle relief, which happen so often Citibank should sponsor them. As usual, I have nothing but positivity for the centerfielding of Reed Johnson and Jim Edmonds, who have been making spectacular catches every game. Which brings me to this week’s Cubs mailbag. As you all know, nothing puts me in a more positive frame of mind than exchanging views with my fellow Cub fans, as I answer the actual questions Cub fans send to Cub beat reporter Carrie Muskat, in ways her job description prevents her from doing.


(This week’s mailbag: a fan is fired, news on the Cubs AAA Iowa DL list, what’s on
Ryan Dempster’s mind, and Yakov Smirnoff finally looks entertaining to me.)

Jack B., Los Angeles: Why don’t the Cubs put Micah Hoffpauir in right field and move Kosuke Fukudome to center?

Thanks for the question, Jack. Like me, you™re a Cub fan living in LA. Unlike me, you haven™t seen a game since opening day. Centerfield? Felix Pie is in AAA and we got Edmonds. More relevant problems: Bob Howry, Lou Piniella™s haircut, Theriot™s maple oak glove “ try catching a game on sometime. I can always spot a mailbag poser, Jack, so please don’t write the mailbag again during Our Year.

Steve D., Las Vegas: Can we get Ryan Dempster to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as Harry Caray?

If Dempster gets Billy Corgan™s spot in the booth, sure.

Linda N., Hinsdale, Ill.: Is Dempster trying to distract the batter by rotating his mitt a few times before he delivers a pitch? Did he do this when he was the closer?

It™s just annoying, that™s all. Ryan’s mechanical moves come from his well known affection for Transformers, as he likes to psych himself up pretending he’ a a “Decepticon” when throwing change-ups. He’s 7-2, don’t argue.

Jon T., Burlington, Wis.: What’s the deal with Josh Vitters? I can’t find any information on where he is playing right now, and if so, how he is doing.

For those who don™t know “ like all of you “ Josh Vitters was the Cubs #1 draft pick last year and quickly messed up his arm in AAA, but good. This means he™s inconsequential to all but family and friends and Mark Prior, who sees Vitters as a threat to his record.

Morgan G., Branson, Mo.: Me and my older brother were watching the game the other day when Fukudome worked a full count. Well, we started talking about how it seems like he’s always making the pitcher go to a 3-2 count. That got me thinking — is there a way to look up how many 3-2 counts he’s seen this year?

I think you mean, œMy brother and I, don™t you, farm boy? Sounds like you’re killing a lot of time down there. Look, you live in Branson, you could see Yakov Smirnoff every night. Why don™t you and your brother buy yourselves shoes and have yourself a time?

Jonathan G., Alexandria, Ind: If Jim Edmonds ends up coming through for the Cubs, is it possible to see no moves made before the trade deadline? I don’t see any holes outside of ones caused by injury.

He’d have to really fucking come through to help our bullpen, settle the starting rotation, and get MLB to approve Mark Cuban as the new owner. But never count a guy out, I say.

Rick H., Bourbonnais, Ill.: Could you please tell me what a “throwback” game is? Is it a game that does not count in the standings?

Good question Rick, who does not at all work for the Cubs marketing dept which has a œthrowback game scheduled tomorrow night against the Braves.

A throwback game is when the Cubs and Braves each don replica period uniforms, in this case from 1948, apparently to celebrate the Cubs 64-90 record that year. Besides uniforms, each team will be allowed one black player, Lou Piniella will be considered Italian all day, Fukudome will make a forced apology for the war, and reporters will ignore gambling and drunkenness by white players “for the good of baseball. But hey, no steroids, so take the kids! Sadly, you™re right, the game will do nothing to improve the Cubs™ 1948 record.