“Congratulations, White Sox. This is officially the last coverage you’ll ever get on Hire Jim Essian,” writes HJE’s Bad Kermit, with a screed inspired by White Sox fans chanting “Cubs Lost, Cubs Lost” after their own team had just completed a 14 inning marathon against the Royals Wednesday night. Here’s a few of the highlights, and thanks to Ben Schwartz for forwarding the link.
Your manager is a narcissistic, delusional rageaholic with a shitty career .264/.287/.338 line and the behavioral tendencies that suggest he’s a wife-beating, child-neglecting, promiscuous sack of crap. With herpes. Even when you’re in first place, your stupid shithead manager can’t manage to keep his mouth shut. Nope. Not Ozzie. He rips his boss, he rips his coaches, he rips his players. I wish he’d rip his larynx.
Your TV broadcast team is the biggest joke in all of baseball. Thanks to the power of the internet, not only Cubs fans are subjected to the absolute torture of the worst home run call, the poutiest pair of juvenile, failed-GM, mediocre-player bitches, and the most embarrassing homerism (you Sox fans do realize that Hawk had his lips around the cocks of the Red Sox and Yankees before he started fellating your South Side club, right?) in all of baseball. It’s not that tough to call a home run five seconds after it bounces around in the bleachers, assholes.
Steve Stone is a pompous fucking douchebag. I don’t care what he’s done in the past. He sucks now, and it’s not just sour grapes. I thought he was pretty horrible for his last couple of years with the Cubs. You can have him. Enjoy listening to him play dress-up G.M., since no organization in its right mind will ever hire him to do the job for real.
Your ad campaigns are as entertaining as playing connect-the-dots with the red blotches on Hawk’s face. The “Win or Die Trying” campaign? I was pissed you chose “win”. The ads with your idiot players holding up Roadrunner signs that 60% of the fans can’t even read? Annoying. The radio ads where some stupid bitch gets all excited about talking to Jermaine Dye? Horrible.
Your stadium sucks. “Yippee! We have food!” So does prison.
I would pay upwards of $100 to watch A.J. Pierzynski be forced at gunpoint to eat a warm bowl of his own vomit. $1000 if it was my vomit.