…when does Nick Zedd get tapped for the Super Bowl Halftime show?  Alright, that’s a rather clumsy, if not totally inappropriate analogy, and one that pales in comparison to the Guardian’s Charlie Lyne proposing alternative British cinematic directorial icons for the Summer Olympiad’s most garish glittering spectacle.

A deafening gangsta rap soundtrack blares from the arena’s 50ft loudspeakers as fireworks explode arbitrarily from all directions. The news comes in: a rogue cable car travelling close to the speed of light is rocketing towards the Olympic Stadium, threatening to destroy everything within its path, including (but not limited to) tens of thousands of audience members, the world’s largest branch of McDonald’s and the Duke of Edinburgh. Responsibility falls to hard-bitten veteran track cyclist Chris Hoy and plucky young diver Tom Daley to halt the car’s destructive rampage, forcing the unlikely duo to put aside their differences and work together to give London a “sporting chance” of survival.

After scouring the length and breadth of the British Isles in search of the brightest luminaries in music, dance, film and performance art, Redder Ken assembles one of the greatest opening ceremonies in Olympic history – a dynamic, exuberant and undeniably moving spectacle that perfectly encapsulates modern Britain in half an hour of theatrical brilliance. Sadly, against the express wishes of Olympic officials, Loach elects to equip the stadium with only one lighting rig and a single amplified microphone, both of which are fixed not on the spectacular but squarely on him as he delivers a stinging diatribe against Israeli occupation of the West Bank.