Though the lining of questioning quite up there with asking “if both men were drowning and you could only save one, Max Splodge or Wattie?”, The Guardian’s Paul Doyle still manages to baffle Chelsa keeper Petr Cech.

Who would win a fist-fight between Roman Abramovich and José Mourinho?
[Laughs] Fortunately it’s not my task to answer that question! So I won’t – you’ll have to ask them!

What’s the weirdest request you’ve ever had from a fan?
Oh my god, that’s a tough question! [Racks his brain] It was probably after a game we played against Norway, when some guy asked me for my underwear. I’m used to being asked for my jersey or gloves, but asking for my underwear is just a bit too strange! But hey, everyone’s different.

So you handed over your kecks?
[Appalled] No way!

What is the wackiest thing you’ve done when drunk?
[Puzzled] I’ve never done anything like that.

You don’t drink?
[Still puzzled] Yes, I do sometimes, but why would I do something stupid?

So you’ve never felt an irresistible desire to don a traffic cone, climb a lamp-post or burn a goat? Nothing at all like that?
[Stares at Small Talk with a mixture of horror and incredulity]

Um, what is the best prank that has ever been played in the Chelsea dressing room?
Billy McCulloch, our masseur, always tells great jokes after dinner, so he’s definitely the funniest person at the club. At least that’s what the English guys say, most of the Europeans don’t understand him!

And on that bombshell, we’ve got to go. Bye Petr, thanks for your time.
Bye Small Talk, my pleasure.