Presumably, it wouldn’t be a good idea to mention the Rangers play in what can charitably be called a pitcher-unfriendly park. From the Dallas Morning News’ Kevin Sherrington.

A recruiting manual, just in time for today’s season opener at Ameriquest Field:

If you bump into Roger Clemens, make him feel at home. Offer to buy him a beer. Tell him you’re available to baby-sit.

Don’t get too pushy, but don’t miss an opportunity. No need to remind you of the gravity of Clemens’ visit given last week’s news.

No sense leaving this all in the Rangers’ hands anyway. Not with their history in free-agent pitchers. Step up now or shut up come August.

All you reformed SWC boosters know the drill. Give it the old college try. Never mind the envelope.

Sell Clemens instead on the Rangers’ powerful lineup. Tell him if he’d had this backing last year in Houston, he’d already have a ring from a Texas team.

Tell him it wasn’t his fault. Not even the greatest pitcher ever could be expected to win a World Series start with that offense.

Tell him Michael Young led the American League in hitting last year. Ask what Adam Everett hit.

Don’t bring up The Fielding Bible.

Offer condolences about Jeff Bagwell’s shredded shoulder. Tell him Mark Teixeira’s strong as an ox from either side of the plate.

Tell him Rod Barajas has one of the better arms in the league. Ask, “How old is Brad Ausmus anyway?”

Find out if he likes Orel Hershiser. If he says yes, tell him what a terrific job Orel did bringing along a promising young staff.

If he says no, tell him, “Me, neither. Couldn’t wait for him to bail. Thank God for Mark Connor.”

Ask if Brad Lidge developed any nervous tics after the World Series.

Don’t say anything about Adam Eaton’s middle finger. If he asks, change the subject. Offer to buy him another beer.

Don’t ask if the kid with him is Koby. Chances are it’s the general manager.

Not only has Tino Martinez seemed rather smooth (or at least not very Kruk-like) on his “Baseball Tonight” debut, but he’s clearly put in some sick time in the tanning booth this winter.