(ED NOTE: Millionaire Percy Rust is known for his philanthropic work. He offers help and encouragement for those in need. He has earned a fortune and a wealth of knowledge during his lifetime and cannot wait to give large chunks of both away to you, the desperate and the undignified. His motto : “give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to break into a supermarket, feed him for several days.”)
Dear Mr. Rust,
My mother works very hard to raise my younger brother and me, and we both help her as much as we can. I have been trying to find a job for over a year so I can help at home. Now that I’m 14, I can start a good-paying job for $3.35 an hour after school and on Saturdays. My mom can’t leave her job to drive me back and forth and my old bike keeps breaking down. If you could please lend me money to buy a bike, I will pay you back $5 a week. I’m going to work hard and become a millionaire like you.
– M. N., Dallas , Texas
Do your initials stand for “Moaning Nincompoop” or “My Nuts”? Because it’s the latter you can SUCK UPON. “I’m going to work hard and become a millionaire”, yeah, not bloody likely. Do you have any idea how easy it is to pick a Kryptonite lock? I do — I bought the fucking company and laid off two-thirds of their workforce.
Dear Mr. Rust,
I’ve gone into business for myself after having worked for others for my entire life. Recently, I’ve opened a small diner and I’m trying my best to show my children that with a real work ethic, we all have a chance to succeed in this great land. The thing is, with all the overhead associated in starting this small business, I can’t afford health insurance. The doctor says I’ve got a lump on my breast and I cannot possibly afford the $1000 for the biopsy. Is there any chance you could loan me this money? God bless you, Mrs. T. W., Sandusky, OH
Dear Mrs. T.W. ;
I think $1000 buys me many photos of you in your underwear. Possibly hundreds. However, without a sample or two, I really can’t process this request. But feel free to try again!
Dear Mr. Rust,
Me and my friends would like to publish a sports website. Not just any sports website, mind you, but one that features a well-respected, exceedingly hip writing staff, and all the sort of back-end bells & whistles that will make our site look like
a less douchy Grantland a legit business enterprise. We’d love to begin publishing, but it’ll take at least $50,000 (USD) before we can make even one single post — possibly more if we hope to stop more of our writers from going to work for the Bleacher Report. What do you say? – Mr. C, NYC, NY
Your audacity and utter lack of perspective are reminiscent of a young Percy Rust. A really good looking, young Percy Rust, one that works out several times a week. I’ll cut you a check on one condition — under no circumstances should you agree to any limitations concerning editorial content with an ad vendor like Yardbarker. If your nauseating brand of self-promotion hasn’t cost you any credibility, allowing those craven motherfuckers to censor you certainly will. And take it from Percy Rust, at the end of the day, all you really have is your good name. Well, that and some of my money.