With the NBA’s imposition of a dress code looming, the New York Times’ Dennis Han, mindful of Shaquille O’Neal’s jibes towards Craig Sager, fantasizes about how the former might summarize the fashion styles of his peers.

O’Neal holds a master’s degree in law enforcement, so he’s a natural to walk the N.B.A.’s fashion-cop beat. Here are a few zingers Mr. Shaqwell might prepare for the league’s most notorious sartorial stinkers, all of whom are prime candidates for hefty dress-code fines.

* – With worn-out jeans and long, greasy hair, the Suns’ Stevie Nash (above, right) is a grungy nightmare.

* – A. I. (Allen Iverson) “keeps it real” with his gangsta attire, but if I said he looked sharp, I’d be a 7-foot liar.

* – Tim Duncan is to bland what tuna is to canned. He buys his threads at the Big & Tall store, in a special section marked “Dressed to Bore.”

* – Mark Cuban is rollin’ in dough, but his jock-wannabe jerseys scream “Just say no!”

* – Tom Tolbert’s turtleneck chic can’t disguise the fact he’s a pencil-neck geek.

Mr. Shaqwell might also pen a put-down of a coat-and-tie coach who, in more ways than one, simply doesn’t measure up: “The only thing sadder than vile Hack-a-Shaq is Jeff Van Gundy as a Munchkin in Black.”

Catty, to be sure. But Mr. Shaqwell would have a long way to go – and not just as a fashion critic. As Mr. Blackwell might say: “It’s not just his free throws that leave much to be desired. If he plays D like he disses, it’s time he retired!”