It’s kind of hard to do justice to the best Wizznutzz posts. Summarizing 1,100 words of free-flowing free association is not easy. The ostensible subject of what’s below is a defense of Gilbert Arenas (above) in light of the Wiz’s less-than-inspiring start, but it concludes with a discourse on the challenges of dubbing Norbit into Spanish and makes a brief stopover at an amazing fake IMDB page and several other interesting places on its way. This is what that Liston guy was going for, taken to its (il)logical conclusion and with much poorer copy editing.

An excerpt of the un-excerptable original is below, but this is one of the few times we’ll use the “read the whole thing” blog cliche. Go immerse yourself (oh, but do it in Safari or Explorer, because the site crashes our Firefox every time): you’ll emerge a few minutes older, a good deal wiser about Marvin Brando’s filmography, and smelling not-so-faintly of bacon. So, Arenas haters, can you answer this question:

Are you working as a Junior commission salesman at the Mens Warehouse, measuring the thighs of Rockville Pike men , so you can save up for a Sports Management correspondence degree from that school you saw a commercial for when you were watching Outer Limits reruns on FX at 2am and bitching at the screen about the cheap special effects??? Is that what you are thinking about on your lunch break after you get your Blimpies card stamped and r on hold waiting to talk to Scott Jackson on your fucking Bluetooth and u r having a smoke outside the Mall, are you thinking about all the changes you would make on the team if you were running things, like trading Brendan Haywood for Kevin Garnett, and more minutes for Nick Young, and more minutes for Dominic McGuire, and more minutes for Juan Dixon, and firing that black coach and playing defense and moving the team to Germantown??? WHy do you even cheer for the Wizards? Why dont you just cheer for the Celtics already?? You already cheer for the Patriots. You started being a Patriots fan 3 years ago when you decided the Redskins werent hustling for you enough and not giving Skip Hicks enough minutes and you didnt need that shit anymore. Now you call beers “Bruschis” its so clever you and your pals should get a espn show, maybe Bill Simmons would come over to your townhouse and make lists of Best SPorts Movies with you and you guys stay up all night arguing like pals.

Why do you think Gilbert Arenas owes you anything? Gilbert arenas doesnt owe you shit. hes not playing for you. hes not playing for your money. you think Gil has been up all summer practicing that cool new behind the back pass he does til 6am with some poor MCI parking attendant because you bought a $40 4 ticket family plan and sold the other 3 tickets on the internet???

Name me one player on the Bullets or Wizards in the last 20 years that you would trade Gilbert Arenas for, straight up.

Name ONE!!!!! You got 20 years, take your pick. And no, you can’t include the expiring contract of Llorenzo Williams!!!!WHy are you so ready to throw a first stone, didnt u learn anything from the bible or Footloose??

IF you want an EVEN STEVEN then you got the wrong team my friend cause this team lives and dies by DONNY DUWATCHALIKE. If you dont like inventors why are you still shopping at Sharper Image, why dont you go next door to Sears where they have more reliable warranties but the Pepper Shakers dont have built in flashlights??? If you want the top dog then you got the wrong nature documentary cause gil’s the craziest bird the the bush, hes the crazy little bird with the puffed up feathers doing the weird dance and building a bright blue nest out of old Connect Four chips and trying to mate with a bear. Gilberts the real Coq Diesel, the Spartist, The Creator, The Vagina, and make no mistake DC ball is Gilberts Cabaret and if you find the show too queer why dont you find a place full of joyless fan-bullies like yourself who spend all day cheering for a frontrunner and calling up talk radio to argue about rosters — its called Staten Island!