The Boston Herald’s John Tomase puts far more time and effort into the Jason Grimsley affidavit than any reasonable adult should attempt, even name-dropping Patient Zero.  Yes, he went there.

Speculation has already begun over who resides behind those blacked out sections of type. It could be just about anyone, since Grimsley has played for seven teams in a career that began in 1989 and probably ended yesterday when the Diamondbacks released him rather than let that circus come to town. Like Gaetan Dugas (above)– the promiscuous Canadian flight attendant who supposedly single-handedly started the AIDS epidemic in the late 70s — just knowing Grimsley means you™re tainted.

Check out this sentence from the FBI™s report:

œGrimsley also identified XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX, a former Major League Baseball player, as one of his better friends in baseball. Grimsley stated that (sic) knows XXXXXXXXX used human growth hormone. . . .

Sadly, the good folks in the federal government don™t believe in fixed-width fonts like Courier New, otherwise we™d be able to discern exactly how many letters comprise the mystery man™s last name. Regardless, it™s clear from the context that this particular name is longer than average, perhaps even 20 letters.

How many ex-major leaguers who played with Grimsley have names that long and would conceivably be his close friend? Let™s assume they were teammates, which seems reasonable. (Somewhere, ex-Giant William Van Landingham breathes a sigh of relief.)

Here are some names that qualify: Paul Assenmacher, Chuck Knoblauch, Curtis Leskanic, Derek Lilliquist, Mickey Morandini, Steve Ontiveros, Rafael Palmeiro, Heathcliff Slocumb.

Assenmacher only played with Grimsley for one season. Palmeiro was generally loathed, so it™s doubtful he was anyone™s best friend. If Slocumb took something, they were the worst steroids ever and he deserves a refund.

So whom does that leave? Let™s hit Yahoo with the following search: œJason Grimsley œChuck Knoblauch œfriend”.

How interesting. An story from 2002 spring training detailing Knoblauch™s arrival in Kansas City. He credits his smooth transition from New York to Grimsley, a Yankees teammate in 1999 and 2000. Why, they even share adjoining lockers.

œThat™s no coincidence, Knoblauch says with a laugh.

You bet it™s not. Let™s make the search more specific, replacing œfriend with œbest friend. And here™s No. 1 on the list, from a 2000 ESPN chat.

Chryz Hetfield: Who™s your best friend inside and out of the team?

Chuck Knoblauch: Pretty much everybody on the team. I hang out with Jason Grimsley a lot, going to lunch and doing stuff off the field.

Now far be it from us to accuse Chuck Knoblauch of abusing drugs. Just because he has a name that roughly fits the hole in that report and just because he™s retired and an admitted BFF of Jason Grimsley, and just because he compiled a .965 OPS in 1996 despite having to front Urkel in the post, none of that means he™s guilty.

Will Leitch has stressed that he’s got no stake in trying to make Albert Pujols look bad.  “We own four different pieces of merchandise with his name on it,” pleads Leitch, though presumably he means “I”.

Other than the Albert Penis Pump, what are the 3 other items?