Rather than piling on Michael Lohan like everyone else, I’d rather be the voice of consolation.

No matter how bad your daughter’s album is, there’s no need to let liquored-up despondency put your own life or those of others at risk. Rather than let your downward sprial continue, why not take a tip from Todd Marinovich’s dad and start tutoring other parents’ aspiring teen actresses/singers? Failing that, there’s always the sperm bank.