“When the Fiver heard that Hull City’s players were seen out in the early hours of yesterday morning, we assumed they were queuing overnight to buy World Of Warcraft: Wrath Of The Lich King” sneers the Guardian’s Barry Glendenning and Tom Lutz after reading news accounts of Dean Windass and Marlon King’s involvement in a casino brawl.  “What really knocked the Fiver sideways was the revelation that Scarborough, of all places, used to have its own opera house.”

It appears Hull City’s players were in Scarborough’s Opera House Casino, where witnesses report they were improvising their own blood-soaked role-playing game: Wrath Of The Marlon King, in which a 28-year-old striker wearing a £19,000 watch headbutts his elderly team-mate Dean Winda$$, 75, then insults casino staff, removes his expensive timepiece and claims it’s been stolen.

“Winda$$ appeared to say something to King (above) that had him raging like a bull. King was shouting, ‘You ba$tard, wait until I tell my boy what you said!’,” reported one witness to the Tigers’ bonding session. “Wind@$$ shouted back, ‘It was a joke. You know fcuk all about anything.’ King then threw himself at Winda$$, headbutting him in the face. There were blood and drinks sent flying. It was embarrassing. They were like snarling animals.” Or, for the benefit of anyone finding it difficult to picture a snarling animal, like snarling humans.

Upon being pulled apart, the players promised to behave and were allowed to stay, but it was at this point staff saw King remove his watch, put it in his pocket and claim it had been half-inched. “There was a fracas, but it only lasted a minute or two,” said the casino’s gaming manager, Richard Koval-Meth, who also confirmed the “stolen” watch had been found in King’s pocket.